Fitted Sheets and Bed Bugs

Bed bugs are devious. They monitor things internally (while we are sleeping) and externally, the kind of sheets we use. Bed bugs jumped for joy when stores introduced the fitted sheet. It was a great day for women, because it is a fact that we make the beds, otherwise they won’t be made.

Women complained about the bottom sheet. It takes forever to tuck it, in all corners of the bed. That’s why manufacturers came up with the fitted sheet. It has elastic all round, like a shower cap. That cuts down the time of making the bed. We just straighten out the duvet cover and pillows and the bed is made. It never occurred to manufacturers that bed bugs will find a new home, in the elastic. We also encourage bed bug colonies because we don’t make the bed. You haven’t made yours in two weeks, which means it’s party time for the creatures. They have four generations on that bed. That's why you have red spots all over your body. It never occurs to you that you host foreign elements.

I’m saying two weeks because bed bugs are good in math. They start laying eggs on that unmade bed after three days. They siphon off some blood from you while you sit there, day in and day out stealing other people’s YouTube content and making thousands of dollars from the thievery. What I don’t understand about bed bugs is the sequence. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Are they really from my blood? Are they my siblings? It’s too depressing. That’s why I don't any attempt to know more about those disgusting, but very clever bloody parasites.

No more fitted bed sheets. Back to flat sheets.

By: Nonqaba waka Msimang.