Nonqaba said ...

Spring. In normal times people flocked to garden centers to buy seeds and tools for gardening, even if it’s a balcony garden. Covid-19 has made us all gardeners. We must prune the roses, spending roses, because we don’t know if we’ll have a monthly income when this is all water under the bridge. We hope. Oh! You have your own business? It depends on the industry you’re operating in. Your partners go under, you follow. Pruning the roses. First item on the agenda is defining extras, which is highly subjective. What is essential? What is non-essential? Don’t try suggesting getting rid of basketball season tickets, because you might find your darling staring at you, eyes not moving an inch. OK. Delete idea. He cannot do without those arrogant Raptors, that don’t give a hoot about the draft. Why not print jerseys ‘  undrafted players only? ’ O.  K. Raptors are essential for world peace, no home peace. Transport. You suggest selling the second car. You will drop and fetch her from w

Folks go crazy when they lose wallets because life stands still. It’s not only the six credit cards we carry, but numbers that identify who we are as well.  What is your health card number? Let me Google it. Very funny. There are things even Google and hackers don’t know. Wallets have tenants that have not paid rent for two years, and should be evicted. I’ve been meaning to, but I don’t have time. Why? Late for a meeting? Ha! Ha! Brew some coffee and fetch the kitchen or home office garbage can. 1.   2018 bank balance slips from the ATM. You stopped printing them because greedy banks charged you 80 cents per print-out. Besides, you are 100% internet banking now. 2.   Receipts from the bakery, grocery store, drugstore etc. Why are you keeping them? Are you going to return the hamburger or dinner rolls? 3.   A list of things you need from the supermarket. Last year’s handwritten lists. 4.   Business cards. All the contacts are in your phone and computer now. 5.   Bankru

Assumptions first. We shall assume Joseph Robinette Biden (JRB), will be the Democratic Party’s nominee for the 2020 U.S. presidential election. Put simply, they want him to run for president, and win. We shall also assume, that COVID-19 will be a thing of the past in the fall, making campaigning safe for JRB and President Trump to shake hands, kiss babies and admonish journalists they presume to be too exuberant. There’s talk of virtual voting, but that dampens the fun, and might harm state economies because there’s a lot of money riding on presidential elections: printing posters/placards/stickers, car rentals, hotel bookings, hair salons/barbershops, booking community halls, convention centers, catering etc. No entertainment or community meetings.   Besides, it is called a presidential race because of the running around, hopping on planes to travel to the next city to shake hands with farmers, pastors, gun lovers, gun haters and kiss babies, which will be problem if the li

To hope is the-mba  in Zulu. Somebody’s name on Twitter prompted today’s Zulu lesson. His name is Sinethemba , which means we have hope. What I also found interesting, is that women have the same name, which makes sense because parents have the same hope, whether the newly born baby is a boy or girl. Si-ne-the-mba . You say the first part like sing, the second like neck, the third like temp and the last part like e mber.  When he grows up, other kids will simply call him Themba. T-Zaa , or T-Man  might be his street name, if he grows up on some block in the U.S. or South Africa. Probably, only his mother will use the full name, especially when she is mad at him. The-mba is to hope. You say the first part like tell, the last like ember. I-the-mba is the noun, hope. You say the first part like e-mail, the second like tell and the last like ember. This year, 2020 will go down in history as the year of hope: hope that scientists and medical people will find a cure for COVID-1

‘I’m sorry sir, but your card has been denied’. Horror! Shock! There must be a mistake! I just made a payment last week! Do you know anybody who admits that they maxed the card because they used it twice a day to order food from Skip the Dishes and Uber Eats during the virus stand-off? We’re at home. We lost our jobs because of a health condition called COVID-19. Fortunately, we live in Canada so the government and opposition parties stopped squabbling for a change and jointly agreed to give us some money to tide us over (CERB), until the storm passes. Thanks very much. Much appreciated. We are at home waiting. We eat while we wait, or should I say we call the toll-free number or go online to order pizza, a piece of food that does not make any commitments. Pizza doesn’t commit that you will be full afterwards. It doesn’t commit that it will provide any nutrients. Pizza definitely doesn't commit to be kind to your teeth. We love it nonetheless. The appetite doesn’t h

Good news for people learning Zulu from this blog. The English word murmur is the same as me-ma , which means invite in Zulu. Well, not exactly, pronunciation is the same. Try and invite these people. Me-ma  u-Bill Gates kwi Facebook. Me-ma  u-Donald Trump ku-Twitter. Me-ma  u-Beyonce ku-Instagram. Just kidding. These are famous people who will never ever follow you because they don’t know that you exist and have no intention of following you anywhere. You invite people when you get married. When your kids get married, they ask you to invite your friends. This sometimes breaks friendships because that is when you know your value. A best friend that doesn’t invite you to the son’s wedding is obviously not ‘best’. In countries like South Africa, some people invite celebrities they’ve never met. Our great grandfathers never printed invitation cards because traditionally, everyone was invited to weddings. Europe is a different kettle of fish. If you live in Canada or Germa

Justin Trudeau, Canadian Prime Minister with his brothers and father, former PM Pierre Trudeau. The government and citizens. They need each other like teeth and the tongue but they keep secrets from each other. All countries don’t tell citizens about agreements they have with the United States, should President Donald Trump tweet a war, after sending military drones to ‘liberate’ a certain country that does not subscribe to dollar democracy. Military alliances are a government thing and there’s nothing citizens can do about it because it claims alliances are in the ‘interest of national security.’ We also keep secrets from the government. It has no right to know what happens in our homes and cannot mount electronic cameras at our gates to record the comings and goings of what kids call ‘uncles’ or ‘aunties’. ‘There’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation’. CBC journalist Martin O’Malley   coined this piece of wisdom but it reached all corners of the gl

Masks might be mandatory forever, unless we fix what is in the air. Pic: Nonqaba waka Msimang Masks will be one of the left-overs when the coronavirus has moved on, if it will. Health experts, provincial and federal governments will give us reasons to justify laws making masks mandatory, like seat belts. Social distancing is another left-over which will also be with us for a long time in whatever shape or form. For example, we might be required to stand six feet apart at the grocery store and drugstore, but there will be other areas where it would be difficult to implement. Hospitals. How do hospitals place beds six feet apart, when they don’t have enough hospitals or clinics? Build more hospitals? Not possible, not with shrinking budgets and land. Cities will have to find land from somewhere to build hospitals. Libraries - which are municipal property in most countries - can provide the solution because less people use them now, thanks to cellphones and computers. I

We don’t like each other very much. That is why crying about social distancing is so hypocritical. Hell! We don’t even like each other in the house but can’t do anything about it because of one bathroom. Before social distancing, we cringed when the elevator stopped to pick up somebody. It was worse in the morning because we stood there, packed like sardines. We consciously or unconsciously distanced ourselves from other humans long before COVID-19. 1.   Planes. We jumped for joy when the two other seats in our row were empty. 2.   Public transport. We put gym or grocery bags on bus and train seats. Most people opt for peace. They just stand and not say a word. 3.   On the bus, we get irritated with a woman with four kids because we think it is a ‘big’ family, that will somehow reduce the air we breathe. 4.   Restaurants. We demand a table for four, order a green salad and hog it for two hours, poking our digital armaments. 5.   Health centers. We get irritated when s

Pic: Nonqaba waka Msimang You Got Mail , Nora Ephron’s movie where Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan play rival bookstore owners, is still relevant today, as it was in 1998 when it was released. 1.   Small bookstore owners like Kathleen Kelly, Meg Ryan’s character, continue to shut their doors, because we are now digital beings. Call us D-Readers. 2.   Bookstores, in the year 2020, sell almost everything. They even have coffee shops attached to them. They remind me of Joe Fox, Tom Hanks’ character and his mega bookstore, that stole all the business from Kathleen Kelly. 3.   We still search for love online, like Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox. 4.   Like the two characters, we live with other people, who don’t know that we have secret virtual affairs. 5.   Our online lovers sound perfect because we don’t discuss mundane real life issues like the car has no gas or leaving the toilet seat up. 6.   Like the two characters, we don’t know who they are and they might be people we see every

Pic: Nonqaba waka Msimang No. You can’t kill your kids. It’s a crime against nature and the government. They just want attention, especially because you can’t even remember their birthdays, since you are a, stay-at-the-office dad. You need more ideas to fill this gigabyte time we have. How about painting a room? Not if you are renting. The landlord will get mad at you for painting the bedroom black and red. Sure, kids will love getting ready for big paint job, but you can’t wake up one COVID-19 day and say ‘guys, we’re painting the small bedroom today.’  Planning is the key. Parents decide which room to be painted. No, it won’t be Mary’s room, because Sebastian will also want his room to be done. Certain logistics must be decided before going to the store to buy paint and brushes. No, you can’t use the paint in the basement for two reasons. Firstly, it’s so old you can’t even open the can. Secondly, it is past its due date. 1.  You must remove the furniture from the small