The Mother in Law

Phone rings. She picks it up.

“It’s your mother,” gives him the phone.

In a perfect world, she would have spoken to her mother-in-law for a few minutes updating her on the grandchildren, inquire about her health and her business, if the mother-in-law still trades at her market stall or shop at the mall.

We don’t know what vibes the daughter-in-law detected when she answered the phone, that made her curt with the woman who gave birth to her husband. We can’t be judgmental about the whole thing because every mother-in-law has a story to tell, so does every daughter-in-law.

Animosity between the two is unfortunate because they are both women, and society - whatever race, culture and religion - treats them the same: second class.  There are some women who get on famously with their mothers-in-law, but we don’t hear about them.

Movies are partly to blame. They project them as manipulative and clingy. Some are down right evil, as the mother-in-law in Yoruba movies e.g. she wants the son to take a second wife because the current wife doesn’t have kids or has only daughters.

Is animosity the appropriate term to use? It presupposes that they are fighting over the same thing. Common sense says it’s the man in the middle. It is not, because one woman is fighting for a son that no longer exists.

The daughter-in-law’s defenses are always on the alert because she is fighting for a man, she thinks is no longer someone’s baby boy. Both women are wrong because son + husband cannot be separated. It’s like the mountain and the sea. Both have been here since the beginning of time and are equally powerful in their own way.

What is the solution? Management. Some women are good at it. For example, the mother would complain to the daughter-in-law about the son dragging his feet on a family issue. She promises she would talk to her husband. She does and the matter is resolved. The mother-in-law thanks her profusely and the daughter-in-law gives herself a high five, that she is control. Far from it. The mother-in-law is a pro in management.

By: Nonqaba waka Msimang.