Floss Before The Kiss

-

In Italy, Roman Catholic Church cut off kissing scenes before showing movies.

There are two kinds of kiss, the natural kiss where toddlers suddenly kiss mummy on the cheek and the Hollywood kiss.

There’s great excitement in college hallways when girls give a run-down of the first date. He kissed me. Girlfriends interrogate their friend about the electricity. How many volts? Were they wavy or straight like turning lights on? In the locker room boys have one question: Did you hit it?

The kiss is part of Hollywood’s romance legacy with I love you as the pilot. Boys share notes about the effectiveness of those three little words. Girls will do anything after hearing them. Unfortunately, they believe them.

BEFORE HOLLYWOOD

The kiss is not proof of love. Cultures all over the world have traditional ways of showing affection. Maybe I should say had, because it is in the past. AmaZulu, a people in South Africa, used a necklace made from plant beads called ucu.

Girls gave that to boys to say YES. This necklace ucu is in proverbs. The literal translation of the proverb, ucu aluhlangani, is: beads are not coming together for the necklace. I don’t want you.

The Hollywood kiss, which we use to measure love has a hidden secret. It can only take place in a clean environment. Clean sheets and bodies that just left the shower, but most importantly, the two participants must not have bad breath.

FLOSS BEFORE THE KISS

Teeth must be brushed and flossed regularly, especially before the ‘kiss’ commences. It is out of question in the morning, because the two participants have not brushed their teeth.

Because of YouTube movie producers, Hollywood is on its last legs but the Hollywood invention is forever. It is even ingrained in religious ceremonies. “You may kiss the bride,” said the priest to the groom.

By: Nonqaba waka Msimang. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Elections And Political Bullies

-
Image
Forget democracy.   It should be called political bullying. We are watching it in the prelude to the Canadian election on the 19 th of October, 2015.   Americans have also started their political bullying for the looming presidential election next year. So many trees wasted on books about democracy.   Some countries have big budgets for invading other countries ‘ to defend democracy’ but it is seldom practised in campaigning for elections.   Calling opponents names and printing flyers attacking each other is behaviour that will not be tolerated in kindergarten, but it is all legal, in campaigning.   It is irritating and such a let-down to the whole notion of democracy.   Grown-up men and women behaving like Grade One kids. It is also misleading because many voters believe it is real hatred.   Don’t let that fool you.   These politicians play golf together, attend the same dinner parties, eat and drink at the same social events, share jokes and cut deals in parliament.   They
Read more

Comfort Food As Regret Food

-
Image
Chicken curry. Comfort food is good for the soul, which usually bleeds in winter from icy roads, bad drivers that want to annihilate pedestrians, frozen fingers and toes that take a sabbatical.   What happened to my toes?   I thought I was wearing special socks for boots? We therefore have a right to comfort food which throws doctors’ orders out of the window and has no loyalty to calories.   No calculator on the table, thanks very much.   Piece of bread 5 calories, half a banana 10 calories, sugar-free cheesecake 2,000 calories.   Ah! Ah!  We only live once. Naw!   Comfort food is old school food with its compulsory second helping.   It involves licking fingers and giving a big sigh, about the good life, which is shelter, food, love and debt.   The problem is the zip.   The jeans remind you that comfort food can also be called you will regret food .   Home sweet home is even sweeter in winter after surviving blowing snow and bumper to bumper traffic. What is more welcoming th
Read more

Einstein Passengers

-
Image
Being a passenger is very stressful.   You must listen to the owner of the car, nod and grumble yes to everything he says because you don’t want to piss him off. Two things can happen if you disagree with the driver: he can lose concentration and you all end up in a mash-up accident or stop the car and ask you to get out.   That is the driver’s prerogative.   You must listen to me if you are a passenger in my car.   Let’s flip the script for a minute and sympathise with the driver if she has a passenger who is more intelligent than Albert Einstein. He talks non-stop.   It is all about himself, how right he is, how good he is, how stupid his boss is. Einstein is also a driving instructor.   “Careful.   Look at that guy.   Is he crazy or something? ” says Einstein. Einstein is the unofficial pilot.   He presses imaginary brakes in the passenger seat when the driver stops abruptly for a guy who is texting on his bicycle. A certain Einstein took it to another level.   S
Read more