The Mother-in-Law
Phone rings. She picks it up.
“It’s your mother,” gives him the phone.
In a perfect world, she would have spoken to her mother-in-law for a few minutes updating her on the grandchildren, inquire about her health and her business, if the mother-in-law still trades at her market stall or shop at the mall.
We don’t know what vibes the daughter-in-law detected when she answered the phone, that made her curt with the woman who gave birth to her husband. We can’t be judgemental about the whole thing because every mother-in-law has a story to tell, so does every daughter-in-law.
Animosity between the two is unfortunate because they are both women, and society - whatever race, culture and religion - treats them the same: second class. There are some women who get on famously with their mothers-in-law, but we don’t hear about them.
Movies are partly to blame. They project them as manipulative and clingy. Some are down right evil, as the mother-in-law in Yoruba movies e.g. she wants the son to take a second wife because the current wife doesn’t have kids or has only daughters.
Is animosity the appropriate term to use? It presupposes that they are fighting over the same thing. Common sense says it’s the man in the middle. It is not, because one woman is fighting for a son that no longer exists.
The daughter-in-law’s defenses are always on the alert because she is fighting for a man, she thinks is no longer someone’s baby boy. Both women are wrong because son + husband cannot be separated. It’s like the mountain and the sea. Both have been here since the beginning of time and are equally powerful in their own way.
What is the solution? Management. Some women are good at it. For example, the mother would complain to the daughter-in-law about the son dragging his feet on a family issue. She promises she would talk to her husband. She does and the matter is resolved. The mother-in-law thanks her profusely and the daughter-in-law gives herself a high five, that she is control. Far from it. The mother-in-law is a pro in management.
Women in some parts of India and Africa manage the relationship at breakfast, lunch and dinner because they live under the same roof, like former Miss World, Aishwarya Rai, who is married to Abhishek, the son of world famous filmmaker and writer Amitabh Bachchan.
She lives with Jaya Bachchan her mother-in-law because it is part of her culture and she is not the only Bollywood actress that does. However, there are others who marry outside the race to avoid it. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan has been asked about living with in-laws in interviews, and she doesn’t see what the surprise is all about.
A good example of peaceful coexistence (management) is Jodhaa Akbar, directed by Ashutosh Gowariker in which she plays a Rajput princess. Her father, a Hindu, marries her off to Mughal Emperor Akbar (Hrithik Roshan), to foster peace between Hindu and Muslim. His mother welcomes her with open arms and they live peacefully despite religious differences.
Women in rural Africa still live with mothers-in-law while husbands work in the mines or drive taxis in Accra and Johannesburg, so they manage each other on a daily basis. College educated women however, prefer marital social distancing, preferably longer than six feet. The mother-in-law should remain in her township house or village, while she lives with her husband and English-speaking kids in the house they bought jointly.
The college educated or professional wife cannot be truly happy if she sticks to her ‘pretend the mother-in-law does not exist’ strategy, because the mountain cannot wish away the sea. Both are powerful and will always be there.
The wife’s happiness is at stake, especially if the husband has a woman he didn’t marry, despite the two kids. She might be a pro at managing the ‘mother-in-law’ who realistically is not her mother-in-law, just a grandmother to her kids. That is unfortunate, and a waste of her life.
The world is on a curfew. We are at home and things we don’t think about when we are busy with work and friends are now in our consciousness all day, as we wait.
My novel Sweetness is also about how the two women manage each other.
www.amazon.com
By: Nonqaba waka Msimang.
“It’s your mother,” gives him the phone.
In a perfect world, she would have spoken to her mother-in-law for a few minutes updating her on the grandchildren, inquire about her health and her business, if the mother-in-law still trades at her market stall or shop at the mall.
We don’t know what vibes the daughter-in-law detected when she answered the phone, that made her curt with the woman who gave birth to her husband. We can’t be judgemental about the whole thing because every mother-in-law has a story to tell, so does every daughter-in-law.
Animosity between the two is unfortunate because they are both women, and society - whatever race, culture and religion - treats them the same: second class. There are some women who get on famously with their mothers-in-law, but we don’t hear about them.
Movies are partly to blame. They project them as manipulative and clingy. Some are down right evil, as the mother-in-law in Yoruba movies e.g. she wants the son to take a second wife because the current wife doesn’t have kids or has only daughters.
Is animosity the appropriate term to use? It presupposes that they are fighting over the same thing. Common sense says it’s the man in the middle. It is not, because one woman is fighting for a son that no longer exists.
The daughter-in-law’s defenses are always on the alert because she is fighting for a man, she thinks is no longer someone’s baby boy. Both women are wrong because son + husband cannot be separated. It’s like the mountain and the sea. Both have been here since the beginning of time and are equally powerful in their own way.
What is the solution? Management. Some women are good at it. For example, the mother would complain to the daughter-in-law about the son dragging his feet on a family issue. She promises she would talk to her husband. She does and the matter is resolved. The mother-in-law thanks her profusely and the daughter-in-law gives herself a high five, that she is control. Far from it. The mother-in-law is a pro in management.
Women in some parts of India and Africa manage the relationship at breakfast, lunch and dinner because they live under the same roof, like former Miss World, Aishwarya Rai, who is married to Abhishek, the son of world famous filmmaker and writer Amitabh Bachchan.
She lives with Jaya Bachchan her mother-in-law because it is part of her culture and she is not the only Bollywood actress that does. However, there are others who marry outside the race to avoid it. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan has been asked about living with in-laws in interviews, and she doesn’t see what the surprise is all about.
A good example of peaceful coexistence (management) is Jodhaa Akbar, directed by Ashutosh Gowariker in which she plays a Rajput princess. Her father, a Hindu, marries her off to Mughal Emperor Akbar (Hrithik Roshan), to foster peace between Hindu and Muslim. His mother welcomes her with open arms and they live peacefully despite religious differences.
Women in rural Africa still live with mothers-in-law while husbands work in the mines or drive taxis in Accra and Johannesburg, so they manage each other on a daily basis. College educated women however, prefer marital social distancing, preferably longer than six feet. The mother-in-law should remain in her township house or village, while she lives with her husband and English-speaking kids in the house they bought jointly.
The college educated or professional wife cannot be truly happy if she sticks to her ‘pretend the mother-in-law does not exist’ strategy, because the mountain cannot wish away the sea. Both are powerful and will always be there.
The wife’s happiness is at stake, especially if the husband has a woman he didn’t marry, despite the two kids. She might be a pro at managing the ‘mother-in-law’ who realistically is not her mother-in-law, just a grandmother to her kids. That is unfortunate, and a waste of her life.
My novel Sweetness is also about how the two women manage each other.
www.amazon.com
By: Nonqaba waka Msimang.
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