Nonqaba said ...

It is a few hours to the new year and 2017 is already laughing at us.   Why are these people shouting happy new year?   How do they know it will be full of joy and virus free? Well! What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you. That is what we do with babies.   We are ecstatic when they are born.   They might turn out to be brilliant inventors that will make life possible without money.   They might be chess players, farmers, doctors or thugs. O.K. Delete thugs, but it is the anticipation of good things to come, better things than the rough patch in 2016.   In fact, the present year is already feeling like the bad guy to be shot dead with champagne corks and popping balloons. We are happy about the new year because we love flower buds and their destination: blooming into bright flowers.   We hope the sun does not scorch them to death or blown away by evil winds.   It is happy new year because it might be the last time we smile in 2017.   Thanks to electronic banking, we know that o

I don’t question change from cashiers for the following reasons: ·          They are mad at me for using cash because the whole world is swiping debit cards and cards with future cash (credit cards). ·          Cashiers are techies, or new school.   They don’t know how to count old school.   They give me the evil eye when I give them $20.05 if the bill is $15.05.   I just want $5 back and not silver coins that will dig another hole in my wallet. ·          Cashiers do not have enough change in the cash float because management does not expect many customers that use cash money, a blues singer in Georgia, U.S. once sang. ·          People behind me in the line are already fanning themselves with their plastic money. Maybe cashiers are not the problem.   I’m just using them as a scapegoat.   The truth of the matter is, whenever I question change, it turns out to be the correct change. “I’m sorry about that.” “No problem.” No problem?   I know what she will

I know that stores make good money selling socks, because they are one of the popular, last minute Christmas gift ideas.    I don’t want them.   If engaged people can tell guests, through bridal registries to buy wedding gifts from stores like Nordstrom, Harrods or Tiffany, I don’t see why I can’t have a list of things I don’t want for Christmas.   Is there a bridal registry in Dollarama?   You have a pretty good idea about how loved ones, friends and colleagues don’t love you as much as you love them, but you don’t want to receive gifts that confirm it.   ·          Christmas socks, gloves, dishcloths or anything with Santa Claus on it. ·          Box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates you bought while waiting in line for the cashier at the drugstore/chemist. ·          Morning slippers.   It doesn’t matter whether they are from Walmart or Holt Renfrew. ·          Box of an assortment of nuts. ·          A set of 4 men’s ties. What I would like for Christmas is a

Being a passenger is very stressful.   You must listen to the owner of the car, nod and grumble yes to everything he says because you don’t want to piss him off. Two things can happen if you disagree with the driver: he can lose concentration and you all end up in a mash-up accident or stop the car and ask you to get out.   That is the driver’s prerogative.   You must listen to me if you are a passenger in my car.   Let’s flip the script for a minute and sympathise with the driver if she has a passenger who is more intelligent than Albert Einstein. He talks non-stop.   It is all about himself, how right he is, how good he is, how stupid his boss is. Einstein is also a driving instructor.   “Careful.   Look at that guy.   Is he crazy or something? ” says Einstein. Einstein is the unofficial pilot.   He presses imaginary brakes in the passenger seat when the driver stops abruptly for a guy who is texting on his bicycle. A certain Einstein took it to another level.   S

I don't know English very well because it has so many tentacles. There's Lagos English in Nigeria, English used by lawyers, English for electricians, English for civil servants, doctors, baby talk, politicians, computer programmers, Google or health fanatics.  People who pump iron or run on treadmills also have their own English sautéed with words like low fat, calories, gluten, antioxidants, organic, etcetera.  I don't speak the 'workout' English because cash on my plastic cards, calls the shots.  When I'm broke I pick up the little supermarket basket.  You know I'm rich for a few days when you see me behind that trolley. What is organic?  Should i trust the supermarket manager who has a big yellow sign, ORGANIC ASPARAGUS? Bad example.  I don't do asparagus.  Life is too short for self-torture.  Not asparagus thanks very much.  The only organic thing i can vouch for is organic banana.  The taste between non-organic and organic banana is

America will have a President Elect come Christmas Day 2016, after American voters told the world who they want to move into the White House. We don’t know how long the honeymoon is going to last but thanks to technology, voters can no longer deny having voted for the new president when things go sour. The vote is a secret, so we don’t know who will put the new president in the White House, but voters should be accountable.   They usually hide behind bushes like speed cops when presidents start going off the track or send U.S. troops to some country to enforce democracy. Democracy my foot! That is a big laugh bearing in mind that both Clinton and Trump are products of privilege and class.   Anyway, this new technology will be a microchip that will automatically enter voters’ brains as soon as they enter the voting booth.   Only people who voted will inherit this little baby. No, voters don’t have to know about it, otherwise they might sue the government or the genius that has inv

I.D. photos are counterproductive because they do not identify the person holding the passport, driver’s licence, student card, access card for the building where you work, or provincial I.D. card. Why not?   Because we are not allowed to smile when we stand against the wall and those one dimensional things they call cameras go, click.     That is why airport officials or bank tellers look at us, back to the photo, and us again.   I don’t blame them. Last year, a government official literally said ‘no smiling’ when I posed for the provincial I.D. photo.   He said, it affects the photo’s result. You bet.   I.D. photos give the wrong impression that they are mug shots taken at the state pen (prison).   Come to think of it, I.D. photos should be called misidentification, period. We should also take off our hats. Now please!   Do you know what is under those hats in countries with five solid months of bitter cold? I don’t mean to mess up your day but just spread your

Zulu is one of the many languages spoken by sons and daughters of the soil, down south in the continent of Africa. IsiZulu Word English Translation Ngqongqoza Knock, as in knock on the door Gqoka Put on your clothes or dress up Ingqungquthela Big meeting, as in a summit of environmentalists Ingxoxo A conversation Ngo Mgqibelo On Saturday Xova Mix, as in mix flour and other baking ingredients, also means people who want to cause disunity Ixoxo Frog Qubula Lift up, usually something heavy Gxuma Jump, as in kids jumping rope Xebula Peel Very easy, innit?

In Europe and north America parents load kids in the car and go on vacation. Checking in hotels can be a nightmare, but can you imagine the receptionist or front desk asking you to declare your phone? YOU : Excuse me?   Declare my phone? HOTEL : Yes Maam.  Any cellphone to declare? YOU : You must be kidding me?   Declare?   Like the airport?   Do you have anything to declare? HOTEL : Yes Maam.   I can see that you are checking into the hotel with kids. YOU :   This is crazy.   I’m tired and hungry, so I’ll go along with your stupid joke.   Yes.   I have a cellphone to declare. HOTEL : Thank you Maam.   Please sign here. YOU :   A thousand dollars deposit? HOTEL :   It is refundable.   This is to protect the hotel if your child throws something down the toilet and creates a plumbing problem while you are on your phone, or she wanders about the hotel, gets lost but is not found, while you are on FB, Twitter and other anonymous networking sites. YOU :   Soci

It’s not an Olympic sport but passing wind is free form, like free style figure skating or swimming.  The only difference between the two is that passing wind is frowned upon by society.  There are no trophies or bouquet of flowers for people who pass wind in public. Point of correction.  It is not my intention to do it in public.  It is the natural act itself claiming its right to be.  When it is time for the wind to exit my body, off it goes.  It does not care where I am: attending a workshop, waiting to pay at the grocery store or at the bank, to find out why my balance is minus zero when I thought I had $20 left.  This is a hypothetical situation you understand. Passing wind has no sense of timing.  Let’s just call it like it is. Example.  A young man has been making moves on a young woman for months.  She finally agrees on a date.  He tells his homies that he’s just about to clinch the deal.  She arrives dressed to kill and knows the difference between China and

Computer updates drive me pazzo (Italian). I get the feeling that the intention is to hide my stuff and roads and bridges I normally take to go to work, computer work that is. Yes, most of these updates come with tutorials but who has the time?  After updates, I need to go back to school to figure out how they work, to find my pics and to download stuff from my mobile phone.  I really lose it if some computer updates do not like my phone because I have great pics in there that I want to check first before I scatter them to the world.  Call me cautious. Another frustration is breathing.  These updates are so fast, I’m afraid to breathe because the page will either disappear or zoom out.  When did the page go right?  I didn’t right-align it, did I?  These are just a few examples why updates are anti-breathing. Other social networking vendors are asking me to update things.  I won’t.  I don’t have time to go back to school every time I accept an update. Computer updates

It’s very hard keeping up with the English language because advertisers keep moving the goalposts. Movie stars, NBA and NFL players, Olympic winners or bloggers who use their stardom to sell cars, watches, sneakers, hair dye, gum, cereal and other products they don’t even use, are now called brand ambassadors. It is rather confusing because the term ambassador used to apply to someone who represented his country in another country.  We are using a male person deliberately because ambassadors are still predominantly male. Ambassadors have all kinds of neat tools of the trade.  First of all, they have what my Political Science professor called diplomatic immunity.  Let me break it down for you.  They can do whatever they like in the country where they were stationed, like parking illegally in Cairo or Kiev. The best tool they have though is the diplomatic pouch or bag, which just slides through customs because customs officials were told that it is a no, no, no, to open

Pic: Nonqaba waka Msimang. Watching people self themselves with selfies is a source of amusement.  They fix their hair, strike a pose and raise cellphones high up for a perfect shot.  Voila! You have a selfie that can be sent to the whole world. However, there are news report of people who died because they took selfies while climbing a mountain, scaling a bridge or crossing a major intersection. There are NO SMOKING zones so we are going to see NO SELFIES zones, pretty soon. 1.        Operating theatres: doctors will not be allowed to take selfies while they cut up a patient on the operating table. 2.        Chefs:  no selfies in restaurant kitchens otherwise medium rare steaks will be cooked well done. 3.        Pilots: whether they are on auto pilot or not, selfies are a No! No!  They might hit a cloud or Canadian geese in transit, causing a major aviation incident. 4.        Bus drivers:  the bus company will be liable if 30 people on the bus are killed or maimed

Eating is not a disorder.  It is like gas in a car.  It can only move forward if it has enough gas in the tank. That is why it is hard to understand the anti-food sentiment.  People who eat are frowned upon like smokers, who get dirty looks when they smoke outside in freezing weather. “Are you going to eat all that?” That is the general comment when we see people piling up food on their plates at weddings and business seminars. It is usually the diet brigade that makes that statement because they live on lettuce, cucumber and water.  Some even smoke to try and supress appetite. A healthy appetite does not kill anyone.  Starving does.  We are used to actresses fainting when shooting movies because they are hungry.  Eating is private and confidential.  Folks should be respected for what they put on their plates.  Four doughnuts everyday are a problem obviously, but generally, a healthy breakfast is a must to face the rough day ahead. I once worked with someone who ate

Economics is not my thing because I seldom have any cash on me, in the bank, stock exchange or under the mattress, but I know that Google and YouTube have killed many businesses. 1.        Travel agents:  I want to fly to Bora Bora to catch some sun and sea water the colour of emeralds.  No need for a travel agent.  Just Google it. 2.        Yellow Pages:  I need some restoration on an old Fiat.  No problem.  Caress my phone and voila! Found some car restoration joints. 3.        Shrinks:  I think they are called psychiatrists.  Oops!  Rich people no longer sleep on someone’s couch and pour out their grief caused by money.  They check out YouTube shrinks or read blogs.  Oh! They still appear on the Dr. Phil show? 4.        Office space:  Check out vacant offices next time you are in the city and count the number of the signs OFFICE SPACE TO LET.  You are responsible for that because your office is now that coffee shop around the corner or kitchen table. 5.        Bank te

“Do you have an e-mail address?” “No,” I looked the saleslady in the eye. She looked me in the other eye and punched the store computer to print my receipt.   I don’t care what she thought but I’m not giving out my e-mail address anymore. I used to complain about junk mail, not realising that it was all my fault.   I gave away my e-mail freely, like water down the Canim Falls in British Columbia.   My inbox ended up overflowing with: Grocery flyers advertising two for one toilet soap and baked beans. Win a free trip to Belize said a travel agency Seat sale from the last airline I used to fly to Toronto You have been chosen to win a computer or mobile phone.   Can you imagine? Me?   Who has never been given anything for free in her life? White sale ads about pink or black sheets and towels I don’t need. Computer sales. Apps I should buy. The list goes on.   My carelessness is also responsible for the mess in my inbox.   Some shops or online merchants as