Nonqaba said ...

Banks think they are slick.   They offer all kinds of tempting credit cards around November, in anticipation for December, the ultimate spending month. In its 2015 online ads, a credit card famous for its 'status fee’ is even waiving it for the first year.   Status fee?   No! No!   It’s got nothing to do with the unpaid balance.   The status fee is for the pleasure of carrying such an elite credit card. Seriously though. For once, I’ll do the unthinkable, defend banks.   They are not the only culprit.   There’s a good reason why people have more than ten credit cards. Their wallets.   You got it.   These spaces are for credit cards not coffee cards. LOL. The average wallet for both men and women has more than 20 spaces for credit cards.   Well!   People can use them for their social insurance cards, gym or coffee cards, but that’s it. Manufacturers of these wallets made those spaces for credit cards, period.   Try and squeeze in business cards.   It won’t work. You h

I haven’t been to any weddings lately so I don’t know the protocol for cell phones when bride and groom are at the altar before the pastor/priest.   I know that the best man has the ring.   Does he also hold the groom’s mobile phone? Maybe he does, because all kinds of people call the groom at the last minute.   Some are late because they are caught in traffic.   Others are lost or ran out of gas and cannot buy some for $20 because their credit cards say DECLINED. The best man therefore is the best person to fix these problems on the wedding day.   He also knows how to handle the groom’s girlfriend who is in town for a conference and wants to hook up with his friend, not knowing that he is just about to commit for life. “He’s busy right now,” says the diplomatic best man. Call me ignorant, but I don't know any cases where the phone rings during that critical question. “Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?” A ringtone, one of Rihanna’s songs disturbs

Do you want a gift receipt? Not a Giorgio Armani suit but it's a gift. The question was from a sales assistant in December 2015, after I had bought a jacket that weighs 20 kilos to repel the Canadian freezing weather. I find the question strange because a receipt is a receipt period.   I suppose it’s called a gift receipt in December because you’re all ungrateful.   You return Christmas gifts because you don’t like them.   What happened to: “it’s the thought that counts” sentiment? I have a solution.   I will not give people gift receipts.   Instead, I will buy them things I like, including my size and colour. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you did not like the red parka I got you for Christmas.   You don’t like the colour?   It’s for your safety.   Visibility.   The blizzards around here affect drivers’ concentration.   They must see that a pedestrian is crossing the road and not run you over. There will be some brave folks who will ask me for g

The list for Christmas gifts is ready.   It is things l don’t want.   No perfume gift box from the drugstore which is open 24 hours. Santa Claus socks in a gift pack of white, red and blue. Red and white winter gloves. Morning slippers from the dollar store. Washable red roses from the D-store. Box of chocolates under five dollars. ( It’s the thought that matters. ) Hell! No!   Price counts. Set of combs or brushes. Four plastic glasses. A key ring from the grocery store. A set of plastic placemats with reindeers.              Reason?   Your gift was an afterthought.   You forgot to buy me a present.   It will be nice though to get a coffee mug with NONQABA on it, or a T-shirt with my name.   Me?   Soliciting for Christmas gifts?   It’s not what you think.    

Mama kept the best dinner sets, cutlery and glasses for what she called strangers.   We jumped up and down and told other kids that we had strangers at home.   Strangers meant food usually reserved for Sunday and weddings.   Strangers also loved kids.   They told us we were beautiful and that we looked like some member of the family.     Such a great honour to look like your father or your grandmother! Ukhamba. Used for African beer.  They come in different sizes . Looking back, I don’t know why my parents had such high regard for strange people.     ‘Eeeh! Now that you are educated, you think you know better than your parents?’ My parents did not mean it literally.   They meant people who did not live with us on a daily basis, such as relatives from the big city where gold is mined or their friends.     They were not strangers at all. They had a connection to our family. It was also based on culture, in my corner of Africa.     Way back when, there were

Forget democracy.   It should be called political bullying. We are watching it in the prelude to the Canadian election on the 19 th of October, 2015.   Americans have also started their political bullying for the looming presidential election next year. So many trees wasted on books about democracy.   Some countries have big budgets for invading other countries ‘ to defend democracy’ but it is seldom practised in campaigning for elections.   Calling opponents names and printing flyers attacking each other is behaviour that will not be tolerated in kindergarten, but it is all legal, in campaigning.   It is irritating and such a let-down to the whole notion of democracy.   Grown-up men and women behaving like Grade One kids. It is also misleading because many voters believe it is real hatred.   Don’t let that fool you.   These politicians play golf together, attend the same dinner parties, eat and drink at the same social events, share jokes and cut deals in parliament.   They

It is not right to flaunt your wealth.   It is in fact highly insensitive to mention your accountant or driver in the company of ‘po’ people. It is a complete give-away to tell the world that you have an accountant.   It means that you have so much money you cannot ‘count’ it yourself.   People in the real world know their bank balance by heart, although that could be dangerous because the $20 you thought you had, could actually be $17.70, because banks charge rent for keeping your money. Mentioning your driver is also anti-social because people in the real world do not have cars and we are not talking about old ones under trees, condos for chickens and pigeons.   They use the bus, train, private cabs or mini bus taxis in Africa where they are sometimes treated like thrash. My aunt in Lesotho is an exception because she is one of the first people in her country to have a driver.   Why?   Because she has been a business woman as long as I can remember.   She has meetings

Who is your dentist? I’ve always wanted to direct this question at my dentist, but never did because we have a professional relationship, so I can’t ask him such a personal question. I don’t envy dentists because they cannot help themselves: clean their own teeth, take them out or insert fillings.   Most businessmen can use work related tools or products for personal use. For example, painters can use the paint to paint the barn or garage; cab drivers can drive themselves to weddings or baseball games; from what I’ve seen in movies, drug dealers can also sniff their product or inject themselves with it; window cleaners can clean their windows at home and doctors don’t need prescriptions because they know exactly what to buy in a pharmacy/chemist. Not dentists.   Can you imagine dentists opening their mouths wide, tapping teeth to find the bad ones?   How would they do it?   With two-way mirrors?   How about all those sharp instruments?   Can they use them without the help o

Mathematics. I’m not a genius, so MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) did not have to worry about my application for admission, when I was a university student. Banks know that math is my weak point.   That is why they try to sell me credit cards with the ‘cash back’ option.   Now let’s see how it works.   Cash or credit? I don’t have any cash on me, so I use a credit card.   Translation : I’m broke, so I will live on credit until payday, or until somebody buys my book Sweetness. There’s always a catch, or punishment.   Credit is not free like the sun and moon.   There are interest charges.   Now this is where I get stuck.   Where is the cash back coming from?   Is the cash back the same amount as the interest on the credit card balance? If the interest is, let’s say 23%, will the cash back be the same percentage?   No, delete question because I think the cash back is based on buying.   I must keep buying on credit to increase the chances of cash back.   How

Photo:  Nonqaba waka Msimang Mobile phones and raising babies.   Social networking has made it possible for us to have families at home and families in virtual space. Sometimes people we live with feel lonely because we are busy making love to our mobile phones, talking to friends and followers. My favourite is a woman I usually see when I am delayed in town, and catch the 6.30 p.m. bus.   One kid is in a stroller/pram, another one is about three or four.   The boy crouches on the seat and stares at whoever is seating behind them.   One man got so irritated, he told the boy to turn around and sit properly.   The little boy really stares hard.   The mother doesn’t notice a thing because she is on her mobile phone, from when she gets on the bus and eight stops later, when I get out. A classic is what I saw on a bus in Toronto.   Little boy and the mum got on the bus.   He was in his pyjamas.   Mum was massaging her phone and the little boy wanted to say something.   She gav

Pyjamas/pajamas have gone street.   You now see people on the bus, the mall, or at the burger joint, in their P.J.’s.  Some kids go to school in them. Most dictionaries define P.J.’s as: ‘A suit of loose pants and jacket or shirt for sleeping in.’ Not anymore.   P.J.’s have taken casual dressing to another level.   Mama won’t approve because she believed in three things: have a bath every day, wear clean underwear in case you are hit by a bus, and dress for the occasion.   Mama was a great cook.   She had more dinner plates than any art museum.   She even had casserole dishes that went from the oven to the table.   That is what P.J’s are doing.   They go from the bed to the street.   It is a free world, but not when I’m meeting you for lunch.   The great Gucci or Tom Ford P.J.’s tell me that someone jumped the gun, or should we say jumped the shower, the toothbrush and other things we do every morning to meet the world. Our lunch date cannot go down nicely if I have all the

Wedding vows are outdated.   To love, honour, and not cheat on your spouse online, should be the new script.   This hit me when I re-visited my profile.   Google, in its wisdom, has four boxes that I must tick.   I think they are friends, dating, relationship or networking. Hawu !   Dating and relationship!   How do I date faceless people to the extent that we have a solid relationship?   Remember most of my followers are eggs.   Very shy people, you know. Yes.   I’m a little bit slow in the head, so I’m not aware that Google is right on the money.   They know that things happen.   Online strangers ‘upgrade’ themselves (to quote Beyonce) to darling, honey, ‘baby’ or ‘boo’ in a flash.   They get married and live happily ever after. Now, let’s get real.   There is an untold story about people who feel cheated by all these online games.   ME:   I think I need some space. HIM :   Why?   I thought we agreed to give this relationship another shot. ME:   It’s not possible.

I’m offering a 2016 summer camp for patients who do not know how to talk to other people. We don’t talk to each other anymore because of mobile phones.   Our fingers now do the talking, as a result, many of us have been diagnosed with the alcoholics’ anonymous syndrome.   Press ALT+Delete.   I mean mobile phone addiction and it is not anonymous because you see it in action at home, work, bus, subway, bank, everywhere.   Grown up boys and girls massaging their phones: 1.        Before an important regional sales meeting. 2.        During a fashion show in Milan. 3.        Waiting for the gates to open for their morning shift. 4.        Waiting for the train. 5.        In restaurants and big tables in particular. 6.        Waiting for partner to finish taking a bath before making love. 7.        Checking your phone after making love. 8.        Taking phone to the toilet for some quality time with people who don’t live with you. 9.        Bride or groom

I need a bank loan to take a ‘selfie’ of myself.   I just can’t wake up in the morning and click a selfish photo because the world will go blind.   You really don’t want to know what I look like.   Come to think of it, I don’t want to see the real you without any make-up, either. A ‘selfie’, (selfish photo) is like movie production.   You need money to make a movie, so you approach investors or banks.   This will help you pay the right actors, camera and lighting, costumes, and of course hair and make-up. Hair and make-up artists are not given the respect they deserve, despite contributing so much to mankind and womankind.   They re-construct people.   They make the unlikable, likable, something similar to Facebook or Google +.   I want to be liked too, that’s why I want my bank manager to give me some cash. I will be taking a selfish photo so the make-up artist must concentrate on certain areas.   The lips are the first bus stop.   Almost everybody seems to be pouting in ‘selfi

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Gendarmerie_nationale This writing thing is not happening for me at all, so I have joined the mobile phone police.   From this day onwards, we (mobile phone police) have injected your phone with a virus, without your permission of course, that will block certain messages that might lead to suicide, murder or shame to someone's family. We think that face-to-face communication is still the best option to deliver the following messages.   You can invite a third person for protection or as a witness, if you fear that telling somebody something might lead to injury. 1.        You are fat. 2.        I love you. 3.        Will you marry me? 4.        The wedding is off. 5.        You are fired. 6.        I am no longer into you. 7.        Remove your stuff from my apartment before the end of the day. 8.        I divorce you this minute. 9.        Dad, I crashed the car. 10.    You are not the father of my baby.

Airlines are mad at you.   You don’t understand that the plane has feelings.   It cannot fly if it is heavy, with y’all having 20 kg bags as carry-on luggage. I stopped flying myself because of airport security and all that jazz of taking off my clothes in public, but I miss the drama about luggage.   My favourite is watching travellers on the floor, removing items from bags because they are over the weight limit.   What I like is that most of the time the contents look like a second hand store clothes’ bin. They were just shoved in, not packed nicely like T-shirts in a Donna Karan store.   Please don’t take it personally.   I’m just making conversation. Anyway, carry-on luggage needs someone who is good with figures.   Centimetres.   Inches.   It is all Greek to me.   This is important because airlines have certain specifications for carry-on luggage.   Let’s say 53 cm x 23 cm x 38 cm, like West Jet. Photo:  Nonqaba waka Msimang, infrequent flyer. I think airlines wa

I have so many egg followers, I cannot decide what kind of omelette to make: cheese, ham, spinach, salmon, asparagus, Russian sausage and all related sausages, rice, or just plain scrambled eggs. I’m contemplating removing my online photo to keep up with the times.   Social networking is dead because I don’t have to follow a real person.   Egg-working is trending.   This used to bother me so much, I was nearly arrested for staring at folks.  Is that bus driver my recent egg follower?   Maybe it is that pharmacist who ignored me for ten minutes at Shoppers Drug Mart on Marion Road.   How about the Tim Hortons' cashier on Broadway who showed me with a frown, the line for placing orders, when I was waiting at the paid and pick-up section with four other people?  Is it that homeless guy who sleeps under the bridge, or the maitre d ' of that posh restaurant, part of my egg-nation?   It cannot be the policeman in the police cruiser because   I’m one of the people the police c