Fear of Flying

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I don’t have an air miles card because I don’t like taking off my clothes in public.   Airlines are concerned about safety and I respect them for that, but I don’t like taking off my socks at airports.  They might have holes which I hadn’t noticed.  Worse still they might not be laundry fresh.
I don’t like flying.  Delayed or canceled flights are no problem.  They are part of the territory, but taking my computer off its bag, taking off my hat, throwing keys on that tray and spreading my arms so that strangers can scan my body with electronic baseball bats is not my cup of tea. 
My worse experience was at the Dubai International Airport where security handled us like goats, shouting orders.  Safety is a priority yes, but what happened to my nail files and small scissors airport security confiscated in the past? 

Do airlines have garage sales where they sell these things?  I should Google this.  How about some common sense?  Is a nail file really a terrorist weapon? 
Flying also means immigration.  I need a T-shirt which says ‘I have no intention of staying in your country.’  Well!  That’s too long. 

Maybe I should come up with a message that is short and sweet.  Honestly though, immigration officers at London Heathrow and Berlin International were very rude on more than two occasions. 

Loving your country is great, but please don’t assume that everyone wants to enter it through the back door.  I’m very happy in my own imperfect country thanks very much.
Safety videos on board also took all the fun away from flying.  I miss airlines and their little drama. 

Stewardesses and stewards showing us emergency exits with their arms, putting oxygen masks over their heads and showing us how to inflate life vests was something l looked forward to.  Some did it with flair, like a scene in an Off Off Broadway play.

You miss the food?  No you don’t.  You always complained that it was terrible remember?
On behalf of Captain Nonqaba Msimang, I wish to thank you for flying No Air Miles Airlines. 

www.dorrancebookstore.com

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