Showing posts from 2015

Wallets Credit Card Politics

Banks think they are slick.They offer all kinds of tempting credit cards around November, in anticipation for December, the ultimate spending month.

In its 2015 online ads, a credit card famous for its 'status fee’ is even waiving it for the first year.Status fee?No! No!It’s got nothing to do with the unpaid balance.The status fee is for the pleasure of carrying such an elite credit card.

Seriously though. For once, I’ll do the unthinkable, defend banks.They are not the only culprit.There’s a good reason why people have more than ten credit cards. Their wallets. You got it.

The average wallet for both men and women has more than 20 spaces for credit cards.Well!People can use them for their social insurance cards, gym or coffee cards, but that’s it. Manufacturers of these wallets made those spaces for credit cards, period.Try and squeeze in business cards.It won’t work. You have to bend them on the sides to fit in these wallet windows. People who make wallets capitalize on the ego.Our …

Text For The Bridegroom

I haven’t been to any weddings lately so I don’t know the protocol for cell phones when bride and groom are at the altar before the pastor/priest.I know that the best man has the ring.Does he also hold the groom’s mobile phone? Maybe he does, because all kinds of people call the groom at the last minute.Some are late because they are caught in traffic.Others are lost or ran out of gas and cannot buy some for $20 because their credit cards say DECLINED.

The best man therefore is the best person to fix these problems on the wedding day.He also knows how to handle the groom’s girlfriend who is in town for a conference and wants to hook up with his friend, not knowing that he is just about to commit for life.
“He’s busy right now,” says the diplomatic best man.
Call me ignorant, but I don't know any cases where the phone rings during that critical question.
“Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?”
A ringtone, one of Rihanna’s songs disturbs the congregation.
“Sorry pastor.I h…

Ban Re-Gifting

Do you want a gift receipt? The question was from a sales assistant in December 2015, after I had bought a jacket that weighs 20 kilos to repel the Canadian freezing weather.

I find the question strange because a receipt is a receipt period.I suppose it’s called a gift receipt in December because you’re all ungrateful.You return Christmas gifts because you don’t like them.What happened to: “it’s the thought that counts” sentiment? I have a solution.I will not give people gift receipts.Instead, I will buy them things I like, including my size and colour.

I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you did not like the red parka I got you for Christmas.You don’t like the colour?It’s for your safety.Visibility.The blizzards around here affects drivers’ concentration.They must see that a pedestrian is crossing the road and not run you over. There will be some brave folks who will ask me for gifts receipts.Their loss, because I won’t buy them a thing in 2016, 2017, 2018 and beyond.


Christmas Wish List

The list for Christmas gifts is ready.It is things l don’t want.
No perfume gift box from the drugstore which is open 24 hours. Santa Claus socks in a gift pack of white, red and blue. Red and white winter gloves. Morning slippers from the dollar store. Washable red roses from the D-store. Box of chocolates under five dollars. (It’s the thought that matters.) Hell! No!Price counts. Set of combs or brushes. Four plastic glasses. A key ring from the grocery store. A set of plastic placemats with reindeers.  Reason?Your gift was an afterthought.You forgot to buy me a present.It will be nice though to get a coffee mug with NONQABA on it, or a T-shirt with my name. Me?Soliciting for Christmas gifts?It’s not what you think.

The Hospitality Industry

Mama kept the best dinner sets, cutlery and glasses for what she called strangers. We jumped up and down and told other kids that we had strangers at home.Strangers meant food usually reserved for Sunday and weddings.Strangers also loved kids.They told us we were beautiful and that we looked like some member of the family. Such a great honour to look like your father or your grandmother!
Looking back, I don’t know why my parents had such high regard for strange people. ‘Eeeh! Now that you are educated, you think you know better than your parents?’ My parents did not mean it literally.They meant people who did not live with us on a daily basis, such as relatives from the big city where gold is mined or their friends. They were not strangers at all. They had a connection to our family. It was also based on culture, in my corner of Africa. Way back when, there were no trains, cars, planes, restaurants and hotels.We just had our land and people walked for days before they reached their destinati…

Elections And Political Bullies

Forget democracy.It should be called political bullying. We are watching it in the prelude to the Canadian election on the 19th of October, 2015.Americans have also started their political bullying for the looming presidential election next year. So many trees wasted on books about democracy.Some countries have big budgets for invading other countries ‘to defend democracy’ but it is seldom practised in campaigning for elections. Calling opponents names and printing flyers attacking each other is behaviour that will not be tolerated in kindergarten, but it is all legal, in campaigning.It is irritating and such a let-down to the whole notion of democracy.Grown-up men and women behaving like Grade One kids. It is also misleading because many voters believe it is real hatred.Don’t let that fool you. These politicians play golf together, attend the same dinner parties, eat and drink at the same social events, share jokes and cut deals in parliament.They belong to the same class whether they ar…

The Job Interview

I will call my esteemed bank manager next week.I need money for a reward.I might give you $0,000,000 Euros if you name one movie where people waiting for a job interview talk to each other.

The few movies I’ve seen have characters sitting in the reception area, heads down, clutching C.V’s, but don’t let that fool you.They are all checking out each other. ‘She won’t get the job, not with all that borrowed hair.’ ‘Such funk!Doesn’t he use men’s cologne?That job has my name on it.’ Jobless of the world unite.Instead of talking to each other, sharing stories about interviews from hell, they sit there like Egyptian mummies and silently curse each other for one dry bone. Maybe they are scared of the receptionist.Receptionists are like poor cousins in companies, so intimidating job-seekers is a power trip.They never smile or introduce themselves like in restaurants. ‘Hi.I’m Sunny, your waiter.’ Job-seekers should pass around mobile phones, punch in numbers and names while the receptionist is busy …

My Driver A Status Symbol

It is not right to flaunt your wealth.It is in fact highly insensitive to mention your accountant or driver in the company of ‘po’ people. It is a complete give-away to tell the world that you have an accountant.It means that you have so much money you cannot ‘count’ it yourself. People in the real world know their bank balance by heart, although that could be dangerous because the $20 you thought you had, could actually be $17.70, because banks charge rent for keeping your money. Mentioning your driver is also anti-social because people in the real world do not have cars and we are not talking about old ones under trees, condos for chickens and pigeons.They use the bus, train, private cabs or mini bus taxis in Africa where they are sometimes treated like thrash. My aunt in Lesotho is an exception because she is one of the first people in her country to have a driver.Why?Because she has been a business woman as long as I can remember. She has meetings to attend and suppliers to meet, and d…

Dentists and Dental 'Selfies'

Who is your dentist? I’ve always wanted to direct this question at my dentist, but never did because we have a professional relationship, so I can’t ask him such a personal question. I don’t envy dentists because they cannot help themselves: clean their own teeth, take them out or insert fillings.Most businessmen can use work related tools or products for personal use. For example, painters can use the paint to paint the barn or garage; cab drivers can drive themselves to weddings or baseball games; from what I’ve seen in movies, drug dealers can also sniff their product or inject themselves with it; window cleaners can clean their windows at home and doctors don’t need prescriptions because they know exactly what to buy in a pharmacy/chemist. Not dentists.Can you imagine dentists opening their mouths wide, tapping teeth to find the bad ones?How would they do it?With two-way mirrors?How about all those sharp instruments?Can they use them without the help of dental assistants? Dentists def…

Credit Card Cash Back

Mathematics. I’m not a genius, so MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) did not have to worry about my application for admission, when I was a university student. Banks know that math is my weak point.That is why they try to sell me credit cards with the ‘cash back’ option.Now let’s see how it works. I don’t have any cash on me, so I use a credit card.Translation: I’m broke, so I will live on credit until payday, or until somebody buys my book Sweetness. There’s always a catch, or punishment.Credit is not free like the sun and moon.There are interest charges.Now this is where I get stuck.Where is the cash back coming from? Is the cash back the same amount as the interest on the credit card balance? If the interest is, let’s say 23%, will the cash back be the same percentage?No, delete question because I think the cash back is based on buying. I must keep buying on credit to increase the chances of cash back.How about the interest?I can see it sitting quietly behind the door licking it…

Mobile Phone Parents

Mobile phones and raising babies.Social networking has made it possible for us to have families at home and families in virtual space. Sometimes people we live with feel lonely because we are busy making love to our mobile phones, talking to friends and followers. My favourite is a woman I usually see when I am delayed in town, and catch the 6.30 p.m. bus.One kid is in a stroller/pram, another one is about three or four.The boy crouches on the seat and stares at whoever is seating behind them. One man got so irritated, he told the boy to turn around and sit properly.The little boy really stares hard.The mother doesn’t notice a thing because she is on her mobile phone, from when she gets on the bus and eight stops later, when I get out. A classic is what I saw on a bus in Toronto.Little boy and the mum got on the bus.He was in his pyjamas.Mum was massaging her phone and the little boy wanted to say something.She gave him one look, and he stopped, sat deep in his seat.She continued with her…

Pyjamas And Street Cred.

Pyjamas/pajamas have gone street.You now see people on the bus, the mall, or at the burger joint, in their P.J.’s.  Some kids go to school in them. Most dictionaries define P.J.’s as: ‘A suit of loose pants and jacket or shirt for sleeping in.’ Not anymore.P.J.’s have taken casual dressing to another level.Mama won’t approve because she believed in three things: have a bath every day, wear clean underwear in case you are hit by a bus, and dress for the occasion. Mama was a great cook.She had more dinner plates than any art museum.She even had casserole dishes that went from the oven to the table. That is what P.J’s are doing.They go from the bed to the street.It is a free world, but not when I’m meeting you for lunch.The great Gucci or Tom Ford P.J.’s tell me that someone jumped the gun, or should we say jumped the shower, the toothbrush and other things we do every morning to meet the world. Our lunch date cannot go down nicely if I have all these thoughts about jumping the shower.The ni…

Wedding Vows New Script

Wedding vows are outdated. To love, honour, and not cheat on your spouse online, should be the new script. This hit me when I re-visited my profile.Google, in its wisdom, has four boxes that I must tick.I think they are friends, dating, relationship or networking. Hawu!Dating and relationship!How do I date faceless people to the extent that we have a solid relationship?Remember most of my followers are eggs.Very shy people, you know. Yes.I’m a little bit slow in the head, so I’m not aware that Google is right on the money.They know that things happen.Online strangers ‘upgrade’ themselves (to quote Beyonce) to darling, honey, ‘baby’ or ‘boo’ in a flash.They get married and live happily ever after. Now, let’s get real.There is an untold story about people who feel cheated by all these online games. ME:I think I need some space. HIM:Why?I thought we agreed to give this relationship another shot. ME:It’s not possible.I ticked ‘looking for dating and relationship’ in my Google profile. This is the …

Let's Talk Summer Camp

I’m offering a 2016 summer camp for patients who do not know how to talk to other people. We don’t talk to each other anymore because of mobile phones.Our fingers now do the talking, as a result, many of us have been diagnosed with the alcoholics’ anonymous syndrome.Press ALT+Delete. I mean mobile phone addiction and it is not anonymous because you see it in action at home, work, bus, subway, bank, everywhere.Grown up boys and girls massaging their phones:
1.Before an important regional sales meeting.
2.During a fashion show in Milan.
3.Waiting for the gates to open for their morning shift.
4.Waiting for the train.
5.In restaurants and big tables in particular.
6.Waiting for partner to finish taking a bath before making love.
7.Checking your phone after making love.
8.Taking phone to the toilet for some quality time with people who don’t live with you.
9.Bride or groom waiting for the priest.
10.Feeding Junior while texting.
I’m therefore arranging a LET’S TALK summer camp where I will teach you f…

Selfie For Myself

I need a bank loan to take a ‘selfie’ of myself.I just can’t wake up in the morning and click a selfish photo because the world will go blind.You really don’t want to know what I look like.Come to think of it, I don’t want to see the real you without any make-up, either.

A ‘selfie’, (selfish photo) is like movie production.You need money to make a movie, so you approach investors or banks.This will help you pay the right actors, camera and lighting, costumes, and of course hair and make-up.

Hair and make-up artists are not given the respect they deserve, despite contributing so much to mankind and womankind.They re-construct people.They make the unlikable, likable, something similar to Facebook or Google +.I want to be liked too, that’s why I want my bank manager to give me some cash. I will be taking a selfish photo so the make-up artist must concentrate on certain areas.The lips are the first bus stop.Almost everybody seems to be pouting in ‘selfies’.I already have beautiful full lips …

Cellphone Gendarmerie

This writing thing is not happening for me at all, so I have joined the mobile phone police.

From this day onwards, we (mobile phone police) have injected your phone with a virus, without your permission of course, that will block certain messages that might lead to suicide, murder or shame to someone's family.

We think that face-to-face communication is still the best option to deliver the following messages.You can invite a third person for protection or as a witness, if you fear that telling somebody something might lead to injury.

1.You are fat.
2.I love you.
3.Will you marry me?
4.The wedding is off.
5.You are fired.
6.I am no longer into you.
7.Remove your stuff from my apartment before the end of the day.
8.I divorce you this minute.
9.Dad, I crashed the car.
10.You are not the father of my baby. This is not censorship.It is an intervention like ‘parental guidance is advised’ in movies and television, which means parents can watch blue or red porn with their kids, on condition that they…

Carry-On Luggage Politics

Airlines are mad at you.You don’t understand that the plane has feelings.It cannot fly if it is heavy, with y’all having 20 kg bags as carry-on luggage. I stopped flying myself because of airport security and all that jazz of taking off my clothes in public, but I miss the drama about luggage. My favourite is watching travellers on the floor, removing items from bags because they are over the weight limit.What I like is that most of the time the contents look like a second hand store clothes’ bin. They were just shoved in, not packed nicely like T-shirts in a Donna Karan store.Please don’t take it personally.I’m just making conversation. Anyway, carry-on luggage needs someone who is good with figures.Centimetres.Inches.It is all Greek to me.This is important because airlines have certain specifications for carry-on luggage.Let’s say 53 cm x 23 cm x 38 cm, like West Jet. I think airlines want you to take a fashion designer’s tape and measure the bag you will take on the plane with you.You …

Egghead Followers and Omelettes

I have so many egg followers, I cannot decide what kind of omelette to make: cheese, ham, spinach, salmon, asparagus, Russian sausage and all related sausages, rice, or just plain scrambled eggs.

I’m contemplating removing my online photo to keep up with the times.Social networking is dead because I don’t have to follow a real person. Egg-working is trending.This used to bother me so much, I was nearly arrested for staring at folks. Is that bus driver my recent egg follower?Maybe it is that pharmacist who ignored me for ten minutes at Shoppers Drug Mart on Marion Road.

How about the Tim Hortons' cashier on Broadway who showed me with a frown, the line for placing orders, when I was waiting at the paid and pick-up section with four other people?  Is it that homeless guy who sleeps under the bridge, or the maitre d' of that posh restaurant, part of my egg-nation?It cannot be the policeman in the police cruiser becauseI’m one of the people the police calls for back-up when they see th…

Quit Swearing Will Ya?

Swearing in public is not allowed.Even Google, Yahoo and Bing do not tolerate it.Folks that swear online hide behind their dogs’ photos or eggs.Y’all anonymous. Have you ever been a tourist somewhere and a local calls you names?You turned around and said; You, too! Remember the shock in his face?Classic!Serves him right.You cannot assume that that this person looks Japanese, so he does not know Swahili, or vice versa.Danger! You don’t know what I look like, because I am incognito.I’m online hiding from past and present misdemeanors. Anyway, careful what you say around me because I might know your language.For whatever reason, swear words are the first things I pick up, when I come across a new language. Whatever you do, do not call me names in Hindi, Yoruba and Jamaican.I have seen too many films, from these language neighbourhoods, so I know stuff.The Jamaican swear word is even worse.You do not want to think about its origin. Trust me. Swear words with African Americans is quite simple, n…